First, there’s disappointment. Your heart feels like it’s slumping into your stomach. Your mind begins to tell you so. To reprimand you for having hope. For wasting hope.
You start to feel regret. You begin to hate yourself for trying. You shouldn’t have bothered, you say.
You begin to feel guilty. About turning down an outing with a friend because you needed to work on this something. Maybe this is your punishment for being selfish.
You begin to feel angry. You’re upset. You’re so upset with your failure. Why did you have to fail? Again? Why does this keep happening? Why don’t you just give up? You’re so upset with yourself it becomes sorrow.
That is what failure feels like. It is a combination of all negative emotions. And they rise in you painfully.
Today, I failed at something, again! I had been waiting all week for it. I had been expecting good news. I had been hoping that somehow, this time, would be different. That the results would be different.
That somehow, I was going to squirm past the ‘bad luck’, and make it to the starting line. Yes. The starting line, because I believed being able to make it was just going to kick start a significant point of my life.
So yes! Even as I type this, I’m upset. I’m hurt. I’m saddened. I have allowed myself to feel all these emotions because I am human, and I deserve to feel all these feelings.
There’s another thing, though. Another feeling that hasn’t been lost in all this. Reason. The ability to think just a little beyond the apparent. Yeah, I failed. But was I really ready for this big jump? I’d love to say I was, but that would be a lie.
You see, every little success comes with its catch. And I am not just talking about the pains we have to endure before we achieve our objectives. I’m talking about the sacrifices we again have to make to ensure our readiness for when greatness comes.
For if your big break comes, and you haven’t put appropriate measures in place to ensure that you grab the opportunity fully, then it would have been better if you weren’t presented with it in the first place.
Yes, I realize now, that even if I had gotten the opportunity I was looking for, there was a high chance that I was not going to be able to take advantage of it.
This feeling is not failure; it is unpreparedness, much worse. That I hadn’t done everything I had to do to ensure my success and to convince whoever was up there that indeed, I was ready for this, and I needed it badly.
I am not consoled, yet, so I cannot quit trying. Hopefully next time, I will go fully armed to take advantage of the limitless opportunities.
Now one of my favorite quotes to take me through this week,
Be not impatient in delay, But wait as one who understands; When spirit rises and commands, The gods are ready to obey.
Oh, I love James Allen!