My routine this week has been quite gloomy. To give a visual illustration of it,
Yup! That’s me right there; blue AF even the clouds got me, and moving from my room to pick up books which end up sliding right between my wall and the bed, to tripping over shoes (Big Deal!!! I never trip over shoes!), to re-doing my bed (I’m obsessed with clean linens and well-laid beds), to ruminating what to do to snap out of it (This, never works!). I even had dreams, about people I never knew, never met or had any kind of personal relationship with, but they were chasing me with their placards. Like pressure.
I have never had any kind of rest. It’s like my mind is working around the clock and this little machine, operating me, is threatening to break down. And I don’t even care. HUH?!
Things MUST change! For starters, I have to give myself credit for surviving. I don’t have to tell you it hasn’t been easy. Like you can call me dawn and I will wake up with my day’s itinerary on my lips; even my week’s.
My friends (and they are like only 3), tell me I have no social life. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing because sometimes people choke me, but this loneliness is not joking.
So a few days back, as I was side-eyeing my phone, I saw a comment someone had made about something I did.
Now have you ever been in a situation where somebody or some people felt you were so good at something you yourself were not sure you were? So much you go “Pftt, yeah, right” and then you roll your eyes at them.
Well, that was me right there, and it took like 48 hours after for me to realize that most of the time, I had been so busy being diffident that I had missed the shot of tapping into my better potentials.
I realized that maybe I’m just afraid of being too good for myself I’d rather settle for the average I think I can handle.
After spending 5 days in bed stressing over an illness that went from physical to mental to emotional, I have had a lot of time to depressed, trust me.
I have given myself a lot of reasons to not want to continue doing something because people associate me with it too much, and silly enough, not for the wrong reasons.
As someone who gives herself a heck of a bad time when it comes to reproaches, I just couldn’t (cannot) stand myself for all the compliments?! Wow! I must be one neurotic failure!
So even though it took me quite a while to realize it, I finally did. I told myself this afternoon. Why should I be stressing about THIS? If I keep hearing THIS, then maybe, THIS, is the truth! And maybe I am just afraid of the truth. Maybe I am just afraid of waking up one day and THIS TRUTH will no longer be there?
But so what? What if it isn’t there when I wake up tomorrow? Who cares? Wouldn’t I have lived instead of just subsisted? Isn’t that what life is about? To live?
A lot of us want to live so bad that it’s painful on our minds. And yet we give ourselves every little excuse not to. That aint right!
So YAH! Imma live THIS darn thing! Imma live it with all its insecurities.