I often wonder if he remembers at all; that we used to walk hand in hand, kicking stones, breathing wild air and letting it out in a loud laughter. I often relive each one of these moments in vivid memory. What is this feeling that cannot be silenced? Whether or not I want, it still chimes loudly in my ears and reminds me that I once felt, still feel and may never stop feeling. This isn’t fair. Maybe shuffling the cards will be good.
Benny was one and a half; my first love. I remember yesterday like now. I was still in my teens; care free, with no obligations. I loved him e’en though the word didn’t really mean a lot to me then. For me, nothing mattered except making him happy even if it caused me my own happiness. The nights became long and my young heart could stand no more pain. He did me bad and made me mad.
Jojo was my rebound. He was the other side of the first, much better. But somehow, it was already too late to put my broken pieces together. I had already begun to laugh at everything that was emotional. I was on the edges now; deep was no more. We did no bad, had no bad memories.
Ricky was two years, my third. The sides always looked better than him. Frankly, he was a waste. Or maybe, I had become too aware. I was no longer that little girl who gave it all; no, not innocent. I simply took it all…all of the crap he had to offer in the name of love. Bullshit! I did him bad, screwed his ass right. He deserved it.
Commitment made no sense, inside the lines became too traditional. I wanted more, I sought more. Frederick couldn’t kiss me like I wanted. It was a disaster; whatever happened to the French? Kiss good or walk! Sani was a cheap show off; a cheesy excuse for the race. Pete? He was too damn pathetic. Grow some hard balls little boy and while you’re at it, work on your self confidence and then try again later.
Along came fire on his lips and the calm in his eyes; rage on his tongue and the silence of his breath; passion in his throat and the care in his touch, Danny sent me to my knees.
I feel, like I’m ready to give him all now. I feel like maybe, this is the end of this circle. He doesn’t. I have failed; failed again and it’s cold, too cold for a full immersion.